Sin' CER'ity

hmmm..
v got drunk my pals n i..n they wer teln me that im not sincere enuf..
all of em were teln me that..it did quite freak me out..
it's my achilles heel, but so is it my blessing in disguise...was not serious about anything in life..
if that's wat u call this unbelieveably long, tedious drama.cud n bear to write my notebooks or get them corrected by teachers in school, used to get beaten up pretty bad by my bro n mom for that...
cud n bother to wear the rite uniform, for lack of a better reason, it jus dint make any sense
always looked at the sea-blue sky, the birds that flew into that land of freedom, always felt asilent scream go up in my heart wen i saw that..i din want to be here.. i wanted to be free..i wanted to sail thru the skies..happy, lite, n free..cud nt.
cud nt bother to get my instrument box rite or kerchiefs that soaked up extra ink from the pen,
what was wrong with being untidy, or as someone (many people) called me absent-minded...
i was on the wrong side - of who- of what- i cun' care
i was here..so i was doin things...if i had my way i wud n be doin these things..id fly away..!!!
people believe i am arrogant..or i think myself superior to every body else..i don't but i do these things b cos i really cudn see the idea, equation, or a logic of anything..t was sad..very sad..
white uniform, spotless white, good words from the teacher..equals happy, good student..
combed hair, self-righteous arrogance from a rule-obeying, hi-ly marked student..equals happy teacher...!!!
big car, lots of money , equals happy family..
happy..happy...happyness is not of this world..it is of the heart , of freedom and sunshine and warmth its made...
girls..they changed everything, they had bodies which cud make u happy, conetented, they were troubled as troubled as we were or more..and they passed on their troubles to us, but their bodies made us happy...or sometimes who they were without or thru their troubles made me happy..a wanderer if u may.a sad wanderer..
i have fallen in love with myself..with my far distant eyes, with my open gaping mouth and my perpetual expression of abandon, of nakedness to the soul, and of utter bewilderment..
unguarded i refuse to let my fort down to people who wud pillage it lest they enter it...or so i suspect. to be in love, to surrender is to lay ur fortress down to seige..i dared it.got gutted, torn down, and pillaged, do i have the courage to dare it again, not so quick, i m guarding it with a vengeance of fear..!!! that s wat it is...
no heart, sincerity..i am as sincere as a passing breeze- honest- to the moment
anything more..no..i guess not..i wander confused, in despair for my home, home, home,home.. ..

the father syndrome

hmm..hehehe...okay..there r a few things i d like to clear out first on;
one is !!! i do not like kids..
y b cos they r noisy, very..!!!
they r stupid,
then the third, they have their mothers who are very protective of them
and fourthly, they just don't understand...

okay..now thats ben said..i ll get on to the crux of the story
last nite i was out with with friends..usual treat day for a b day kind of thing
i was a lil high from a peg of whiskey, so eooo, but hey i was happy..!!!
anyways
so im there with all my pals, all loving faces, happily gorging away looking lovingly at their grub...
and now i get up and move out so that i can call my folks, and all around me suddenly there r kids like satan's minion, making noise running around, and i can't hear thru the line...and im a all a lil woozy..
so,
i decide i m going to tell em' a lil somethin about manners...and i pick out one kid in particular...
one small lil puffed-up, chubby, cherubic un' just about 2 feet from the ground..and this kid is so cute it breaks my heart to bend down n tell her wats manners, she lookin at evryone like
"ya fucker thats wat it is..!!!, im playing now"

so i straightened up, deciding not to speak to the cherub, and suddenly it hits me,
nope, not the whiskey..!!
it just hit me that," What am i doing?? im getting emo over lil kids, oh my, im getting all the need to be fatherly...haw fuck..!!!
i grab my face like its being eaten by alien virus and i started quickly walking back to my comforting table, and the drink..!!
now i was feeling better outside with the air, and the lovely, candle-lit evening and some seriously pretty women around..i felt more like pheww myself...
but this thing kept coming back again...
hmmm..im someone who's a lil choky about marriage, marriage chokes me up, the lack of freedom for doing absolute madness, for impulsive madness, the weird wild ways of mine and the whole, scary burden of responsibility, i get all a bit choked up..!!
pheww..pheww
okay..so now im thinking, hey i like kids, i really love my nieces and nephew, i mean the nieces, r they cute, goddamn..!!!, they break things, and they do it with aplomb..!!
and then they come n stand in front of u with a big clueless " Holy crap..!!! I was sent here to mend this place..??!!! look.
Now that melts my heart, and that lil thing is quite aware of that as well, so she smiles knowing full well that im not going to scold her...
and so, i was thinking how my whole choke up towards a marriage and the whole kids factor is going to act along..it s scary..
i was like going to be single the rest of my life, u no having fun and going after what i wanted when i wanted, now kids r something i wanna raise, but pheww marriage..??? no ways

i was picturin all my pals with their kids n me alone, u no, scary n shit, lik they,ll be thinking, creepy, old, lonely man, freaks us out with his pointy beard and weird look..
and no kids of mine..!!!!
im pretty sure my kids wil be lil baby cherubic lil pies as well, but it s scary to picture myself that ways
anyways
this kids thing is getting a lil strong on me lately..and im worried..
i donno if they let single men adopt, but that thought alone is pretty scary,
and im also very scared that my past history with females alone will brand me as a skirt chaser willing to go alone and any extent to get what he wants, which is quite scary from a 'Parent' point of view..
I begin to find out stuff about my own self, and turns out, it's all fucked up..!!
Hmmm, we'll just have to see about that..then

i don have a name for this blog yet..but when i finish i ll be done with a name i guess

ok.. mm s ben a vile now say abt more then 10 years now since i ve earned the tag of being sex crazy..hmm..weird..i wud say...

but not so..i wud say after that..hmm..lme explain..

s something for all the people who really did think i was sex crazy...

i was..i mean i still am..so what...

i guess since the earliest age i saw a heroine's seductive dance on TV, i was hooked..

to the female body..oh so beautiful...with all the beautful ripeness of apples and oranges..n youth

n pluck

i was fascinated. for good i thot. the lil games women played with men when they took u into their confidence..

the words conveyed thru glances, the sly li'l nip n tuck of a lock of hair behind her ears..and the coy smiles. man those were things to amaze...

it looked to me like they were playing a game, a game so intricate inter-woven with messages, clues, path-ways to her body, mind..and she played it only with the chosen ones..

who cud be that chosen one, who cud it be, who wud t be..i waited but my name never came,

for a man as desperate as i am, b cos 'the game' really strung me up, and oh they played such cruel, fascinating games, that u cud nt imagine, they d cut me deep but leave a trace of their interest in my cut so that it wud infect n infest the rest of my body, it was like a virus,

Such curious eyes i had, i still hae tho much of curiosity has been stubbed by experience and the heart throbbing pain that came with it..i was still hooked. I felt like an explorer digging up an ancient temple whwere the goddess was all-powerful..

i din mind, it was romantic, somethign so beautiful, so powerful, so heartless, deserved a worship and a look - in..

few things n this world intrigues me beyond that, few things tied me up in a knot like that, i enjoyed the trouble, the pain and the risk, i cried freely, i hurt evry where but the joy of knowing of looking more closely and inspecting an archetype so ancient, overwhelming, sensual, stunningly primal made me dig it up.. and go after it...

i stood to lose people say..i guess i did, my face, my self-respect, it s an ancient ruin for me, my credibility, and i earned the reputation of being a reckless, and horny skirt-chaser..

Tasteless- quite tasteless, absolutely tasteless, the hurt of it was it was so mediocrely termed it seemed vulgar to me, my soul, yet i saw myself thru the world's eyes..i was a lech..

painful, tiresome, yes, very truly sir...to me the mystery of the woman was all endearing..

there was nothing more important than discovering it, slowly removing peice by peice of debris n brick, dust and grind, to get to the lil pool of golden sunshine deep within her soul..

the maladies were hellish, they spewed venom, black venom so poisonous that it blinded me with pain, lava froma rage of so unkind, that it truly seemed to me hell lived in the anger of a woman...

and yet i dug..people thot i was after a "bang, bang thank you ma'am session..!!" no i was nt...

sex to me was a deprecating way of eyeing something so beautiful that it cud n be termed in a word, it was a feeling of joy..of knowledge so comforting at the end of a journey so tiring, toiling,

and yet when i fell into a naked, warm, balmy bosom after a session of seeking the Divine in a moment with my woman..she breathed relief, life, a new life, a fresh new breath pervaded me thru her soul which was her body too now..it seemed beautiful to me, never ending, never finishing from the tiniest nook of her lil toe to the warm brown peaking tinge of her bosom..it was, for lack of a better word, divine..!!..

and yet few women actually come to my mind whne i say these things...reason being there have ben few too scarce who have managed to intrigue me and wanted to make me dig on..!!! and on..

Probably i do not have the patience now as i had then to dig on..since i already found my pit and gave t away..and yet since there maybe many ut there..i cant go the trouble of having to dig so hi and much cos im still amazed with what i found in my last woman....

im not patient niether am i of a kind demeanour.

i do not get attracted to women whom i don not find interesting...

i may hit on them yes..i like making numbers...s fun..and its informative...!!!

but to truly intrigue me i need a woman to be beautiful, not without but within..a woman with a taste and imagination is a tru peice of GOD's work..an intelligent woman who can hold a conversation with me..even an argument even if she wins it, i don care, id love her for the life she has..!! funny women r funny, they r favorites too

self-important, hypocritical, dumb, mentally fkd up bitches r scary cos they r beautiful enough to camouflage these n lure men in..weewf..i ll die..

in all if a woman does not interest me, il hit on her but never screw her, period.

that's said now, glad i got it out of the way..now i can come back here and check who i really am..evrytime im in a mood, or a fix or fucked up mentally as to whatta do..!!!

im not sex crazy, i ve had sex out of a craze and i ve sexed out on a passion and a lust, and i ve made some beautiful love as well..

i m crazy, yes i am, but not about sex..1!..i know what it is..it is the feeling of intimacy and chasing and unravelling an adventure together with someone in a privacy of a li'l heart that i seek..im not sex crazy..im a lover ..that's all..

the pussification of men

s tru the older i grow the weirder i see men become..eoooooooooooooooo
ugly, insecure, just pussy ground men, struggling to look good, clean, smell good, manicured..eooooo.eeooo
the model in front of men s magazine s today smile and pose like the women n front of cosmopolitan...neat set of teeth, nice hairless body, under neath classy dressing....i got nothin to say aginst dressing..s nice to have taste..but living for t..weird...
again ppl tell me like im rip van winkle, " this is the age of the metrosexual man"
hey fuck ur either metrosexual or u r a man s the way i see t..
u no y cos its weird..men r supposed to be the chilled out ones, the wrong ones, the risk takers, the rule breakers, the chance takers, not necessasarily winners..but chance takers..lose win..a battle was a battle... nothing more nothing less..
i see men today r insecure about the way they see each other, they HAVE TO SMELL GOOD..
they HAVE TO BE GENTLEMEN, they HAVE TO BE CONSIDERATE, SENSITIVE, FUNNY CARING, AND SUPPORTIVE...WOMEN'S CRITERIA FOR MEN TO BE THE SOUGHT AFTER ONES---- (Tell you what- Get A MALE NURSE...!!!) good lord..hey i understand women r taking over kicking men s asses..i don have a problem with that. hurts bloody hurts wen u have to change ur innate self..or u end up on the wrong side of the spectrum where even a street dog s a metro sexual
What's with a woman who likes to, loves to accept a man in his full glory, sweat, dirt, grime, and some magnetic animalism to keep her in his hearth, no shame, only passion !!! seriously i mite be a throw back to a neanderthal..but im happy when i ve given vent to my gnawing appetites..but i feel left out in a world.. that s no longer mine..but that of the women..
and to see my own value system being run down evrywhere i land my eyes upon.i feel this rage to burn up earth overn over again...
im put off by change..especially whn im me..n the world cant wait but carry on..
but before i leave lme make t clear
i don mean that i don have a shower i do, i don mean i dont cut my nails, i do..i don mean i don wear anything but stuff that goes together..jus that im a lazy bum who s not paranoid about all these.but loves more a woman who'd accept me with my tendencies shall we say...
i don care for the rest...it can burn..!!!